Hopes and Dreams, and why I torture myself sometimes?

Before every single doctor’s appointment I get myself worked up and I convince myself that something is not going to be right.  Why do I do this?  I don’t do it on purpose.  I know that everything is probably just fine.  I felt kicks earlier today and little Baby Girl was kicking right after I had some ice water just a few hours ago, so everything is probably chugging along in there with no problems.  But for some reason, before every single appointment I convince myself that we’ll get there and there won’t be a heartbeat, or that something will have gone wrong.  Somehow I keep stumbling upon blogs written by women who had pre-term labor and lost their babies, anywhere between 24 and 37 weeks… everything was going along just fine in their pregnancy, and BAM!  The heart stopped, or they developed Preeclampsia and stopped feeling movement for a few days and it turned out the baby didn’t have enough oxygen or wasn’t getting enough blood supply or something.  They never thought it would happen to them.  Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them, but then it happens and they are left asking themselves, “Why?” for the rest of their lives.  It’s not fair, it’s never fair.  Nobody should ever have to lose a child either before birth or after birth.  

Maybe there’s a part of me that’s terrified and I feel that preparing myself for the worst before every appointment is a way to lessen the blow in case anything does happen.  It’s horrible and I wish I didn’t do this to myself, but maybe it’s a coping mechanism of sorts.  In any event, I’m counting down the hours (3 and a half!) until my appointment with the MFM.  If it were up to me, I would probably have an Ultrasound every day or at least a Doppler check for the heartbeat so that we could check in on our little Baby Girl and make sure she’s doing okay in there.  Even though I don’t have a Baby here in my arms, I’m in the process of becoming a mother and my motherly instincts want to know that my Baby is okay. 

On another note, yesterday our Rabbi came over to help us put up our Mezuzahs on our house–we had to put up 6… one on the front door, one on the door to the dining room, one on the door to the kitchen, one on the door to our bedroom, one on the door to the study and one on the door to what will eventually be the Baby’s room.  The Rabbi explained to us some of the symbolism of putting up Mezuzahs, and it was beautiful.  Hopefully when we bring her home, G-d will be looking over our little Baby Girl and keeping her safe and protected.  The Rabbi mentioned that on Sunday, he and his family will be leaving for Israel.  In the Old City in Jerusalem there’s a tradition of putting little notes in between the stones in the Western Wall–sometimes people just write on them the names of people who need some extra prayers, and sometimes people write whole long pages of hopes and prayers that they have.  This morning I was thinking about what I would put into my prayers to give to the Rabbi so he can put them in the Western Wall.  I have so many prayers right now that I want to make that it would be hard to write them all down, for starters here are just a few: 

First and foremost, I pray that I will have a healthy rest of my pregnancy and that we will make it as close to 40 weeks as we possibly can.  Second, I pray that I have an easy and uneventful labor and delivery and that our little Baby Girl makes it into this world healthy and happy.  Third, I pray that Ken and I are able to provide her with a warm, loving home where she feels free to be herself, to express herself, and to grow up into a loving and caring girl and young woman.  Fourth, I pray that she always knows how much she was wanted and how many people love her.  She’s not even here yet, she doesn’t even have a name, and already I can name at least 20 people who love her and are waiting anxiously for her arrival into this world.  Fifth, I pray that she cares deeply about the people around her and that she uses her skills and her talents to better this world, and that she finds something… anything… that sparks her passion and her interest and that she loves to do.  Sixth, I pray that she finds someone to love and someone who loves her back just as much.  I don’t care who that person is as long as he or she treats her with the love and respect that she deserves and worships the ground she walks on… just writing this is making me burst out into tears at my desk at work so for now, my list of prayers will have to end, but they’re all here in my heart.  Baby Girl, just know that I’ve always wanted you in my life and I can’t wait to meet you, hopefully not for at least another 4 months though.  You have to keep baking just a little bit longer!

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