I thought I was doing okay…

I thought I was doing okay…

and then I walked into the OB’s office this morning for my post-op follow up appointment.  There in the waiting room was a dad holding a one-month old, waiting for his wife to finish up with her follow-up visit.  A mom walked in with her 3-month old for her follow-up visit and two very pregnant women walked in, waddling up to the desk to check in for their appointments.

They all have what I wanted so badly and what was taken away from us so quickly.  I know it’s nobody’s fault but I can’t help but be angry, sad and frustrated, and wonder, “why us?”  Why did this have to happen to us?  We are good parents, we are loving parents, why did we have to experience this heartbreak and this loss?  I am so grateful that I will go home at the end of the day and Julia will be there to snuggle with us, to make us laugh, to smile and to cheer us up, but we were so excited to grow our family and to give her the gift of a little sibling, and now we don’t know when or even if that will ever happen.

I felt the tears gathering behind my eyes and had to hold them back.  Then I sat in the corner of the waiting room where I couldn’t see the dad with the newborn, pulled out my phone and played games on my phone to distract myself.

The nurse called me back, checked my weight and Blood Pressure, brought me into a room and then asked what I was there for… “I had a miscarriage,” I said.  “This is my post-op after my D&C.”  Then I started to cry.

I couldn’t help but notice the nice glossy poster on the wall that shows “Fetal development from conception through birth.”  But there’s one thing clearly lacking from that poster: all the things that can go wrong in that process.  Chromosomal abnormalities, other genetic abnormalities, embryos that never develop appropriately, fetuses that die in utero.

I can’t help but wonder why OB offices can’t have two separate waiting rooms: one for the people who are there for happy reasons and one for those who are there for not-so-happy reasons.  It’s hard when you’ve just lost a pregnancy to see happy pregnant women and newborns.  Of course I’m happy for my friends who are expecting or who recently had babies but it’s really hard to see when your feelings and emotions are still so raw.

 

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