I went in for my third weekly HCG draw on Monday and got the number back yesterday: 1617. So the numbers are going down but, as the nurse said, they are crawling down. I had a big jump from 2600 down to 1600 in the past week so I’m hopeful the speed will pick up and I’ll be at 0 before we know it. During the week I’m okay and then every Monday morning I have an awful reminder of all that we’ve been through the last couple of months.
I’ve been doing a good job of keeping myself distracted with other things: Ken’s parents were here for the weekend and we had a really nice visit with them. We drove up to Harrisburg with them on Saturday to look at houses and we think we found one we love that we are filling out the application for to rent starting on July 1st. It’s great and will give us something we haven’t had in a long time: space! We’ve decided to rent for 18 months to start–this will give us time to really get to know the area, decide where we want to live more permanently, save more money for a down payment and start to look at houses. It will also give us time to decide if we like living in a smaller city or in the suburbs and for Ken to make sure his practice is a good fit.
We’ve also been watching (though we just finished yesterday) a great show on Amazon Prime called The Man in the High Castle. It was a fantastic show but the ending left me feeling very confused. I’ve also been doing a lot of organizing and decluttering in our house, which is something we’ve desperately needed, and work has been keeping me busy the past couple weeks and will continue to get more and more busy over the next few months.
Recently I feel like work and Julia are the two best distractions I have from all we’ve been going through with the miscarriage and the partial molar pregnancy so today at work, something really caught me off guard… one of my coworkers, who I’ve become very friendly with, told me today that she’s expecting. And she’s due in July. I don’t want anyone for a moment to think I’m not thrilled for her and her husband. He’s also a resident (at Hopkins) and we’ve gone out with them a couple times. They are such a sweet and wonderful couple. She’s also an attorney like I am, and I know they will be wonderful parents. They had been trying since April and I guess she found out in November that she was pregnant. I am very happy for them. When she told me, she caught me completely off guard. I went in her office to ask her some work-related questions, which she graciously answered, and then while I was sitting there she told me her exciting news. I smiled politely, told her I’m happy for her, asked when she’s due, etc. and then the minute I walked out of her office I immediately started to sob. I was in my happy and distracted place and her news threw me for a loop. I was not expecting it and it made me very upset. It’s hard to explain exactly why it made me upset. I’m not upset that she’s pregnant. I’m not even jealous of her. I would never wish for anyone to experience a miscarriage and especially not a partial molar pregnancy. But it makes me wonder, why us? Why did I have to experience this loss?
Knowing that my friend is due around the same time I would have been due is going to make every day at work a constant reminder of what we lost. She and I could have been pregnancy buddies… we could have been comparing ultrasound photos, talking about our symptoms, feeling our babies kick around the same time. We would have had babies within weeks of each other, who could have grown up together, played together, gone to school together. We would have been on maternity leave at the same time and we could have gotten together with our newborns for coffee and stroller walks.
But we won’t do any of that.
Our baby just wasn’t meant to be. And that’s devastating. I’m happy for my friend but hearing about her joy and excitement was like a stab to my heart.
Friends who have been through miscarriages have told me it will get easier and easier each and every day. But today was really hard. Grief comes in waves and today was a big wave. Hopefully the snow this weekend will bring with it a lot of fun times with Julia and more distractions.