Hair and Periods

Someone asked me the other day what the most surprising thing has been about becoming a mother… I don’t know that I can think of one thing in particular that I can say was the single most surprising thing but I have thought of two things that you don’t really think about or hear much about before hand…

1) Hair Loss

I know, from reading various forums online and from participating in various online mommy’s groups, that this is a totally normal response to the hormonal changes that happen after having a baby, but the amount of hair I lose on a daily basis is unbelievable.  It’s gotten to a point where I dread brushing my hair because I know that it will look like I have killed a small animal with the amount of hair that I lose each time.  I almost avoid washing my hair when I take a shower, too, since I know that the drain will be filled with hair when I step out of the shower.  I’ve always had very thick, curly hair and I’ve always really liked my hair but since having a baby, my hair is gross.  Just gross.  And it makes me not feel very pretty… 😦

Luckily, I have an appointment on June 7th (3 weeks from today!) to get a haircut, and the woman who’s cutting my hair is a mom herself, so she will be able to hopefully give me some pointers for things I can do, and ways I can wear my hair that will not make me feel like my hair is quite so disgusting.

2) Periods

I always knew that breastfeeding is supposed to delay the return of your menstrual cycle after having a baby but I never realized that it could go on as long as it does… my last period started on January 17th, 2012, 16 months ago!  If I continue to breastfeed Julia, and she continues to like nursing as much as she does, it could, theoretically be another year before my period comes back.  This is lovely!

At this time a year ago…

At this time a year ago I was 17 weeks pregnant.  I thought I looked pregnant and I thought I needed to wear maternity clothes.  I was getting excited about being close to the half-way point in my pregnancy and we were getting ready for our trip to Disneyworld.  Ken’s graduation was coming up and we were looking forward to our parents’ visit.  We were also getting ready to move to our new house.  It’s so funny to look back and realize how much has changed in a year–in our personal lives, our professional lives, our family, etc.!  We’ve changed so much and our hearts have grown so much as we’ve gotten to know our little bundle of joy.  It’s amazing what can happen in a year! baby bump 17w1dIt used to be that after work we would want to go out and socialize.  We would want to meet friends for drinks, dinner or dessert.  We were always out and about, getting together with friends.  Now, when work is over I want nothing more than to go pick up Julia from daycare, take her home, nurse her and snuggle with her.  I cherish moments like this since I know they only happen for so long… 5.14.2013Two of the ladies who sit near me at work have kids who are graduating from high school this week, and hearing their conversations over the past couple of weeks has made me realize how important it is to enjoy every minute that we have with Julia as a baby.  Before we know it she’ll be walking and talking, then talking back, asking for the keys, and then eventually we’ll be packing up the car and taking her off to college.  As cliche as it sounds, I’m really trying to learn to just live in the present.

May Flowers

The older we get, the faster time seems to fly by.  It’s already May!  Our baby girl will be 7 months old on Wednesday.  Our time in New Orleans is quickly coming to an end, and in just a month from now, we’ll be almost completely packed up and ready to hit the road for our next family adventure.  I saw a list of the 10 big life changes that are the most stressful: they include having a baby, a death in the family, moving, bankruptcy, starting a new job, etc.  “Stressful” doesn’t always mean that they’re negative–they are often positive life changes, but even positive life changes can be stressful.  Whenever we approach one of those big life changes, I always choose to look at it as an adventure rather than as a negative change.  That being said, we have very mixed feelings about some of the changes coming up.  Our move from New Orleans will be bittersweet–we are excited to be moving back to Baltimore, closer to our family, to the city where we met, to our beloved Baltimore Orioles.  We are excited that Ken will be starting his Ophthalmology residency, that we’ll be moving together into a new house, that we’ll be meeting new friends, creating new memories and having new adventures together as a family.  But at the same time, we are sad to be leaving New Orleans, the friends we’ve made here.  New Orleans is the city we lived in when we got married.  New Orleans is where we got our MD and JD, the city introduced us to Mardi Gras, King Cake, Second Line Parades, go cups, Snoballs, beignets, cafe au lait, Rabbi Uri and Dahlia, and other great friends etc.  There’s a saying, “I know what it means to miss New Orleans” and I know that next year, as Mardi Gras rolls around and we see our friends’ Facebook posts with pictures andcomments about parades and King Cakes, we will know what it means.  We’re not necessarily saying goodbye to New Orleans, since we’ve talked about coming back here for vacations in the future and bringing Julia to Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest, but it won’t be the same as living here.  We’ll be visitors, not residents.  I keep reminding myself that when we left Baltimore five years ago, we felt the same way about Baltimore–we knew there was a lot we would miss about Baltimore and we were reluctant to leave and nervous about what the future would hold.  Now are are returning to Baltimore and again we are nervous about what the future holds, but we just have to see this as the next chapter in our lives.  During our next 3 years in Baltimore (after that, who knows where life will take us?!), Ken will complete the next leg of his medical training, Julia will become a toddler and a little girl, I will (hopefully) begin work as a licensed attorney, and who knows what other adventures await us!

These next few weeks my goal is for us to enjoy every last minute of our time in New Orleans while also looking at this move in a positive light.  Luckily, this past weekend, the weather was perfect and we were able to enjoy some wonderful moments together as a family!

Friday night Ken worked an overnight shift in the ICU, but Julia and I had a lovely evening at home before she went to sleep (very easily, I might add!)  She has become a pro at sitting up for longer periods of time, and this new skill has developed within the last 5 days or so.  She sat up like this for about 15 minutes Friday night while we talked on FaceTime with my mom!  She was playing with her toys and was even able to straighten herself out when she started to lean to one side or the other.  It’s amazing to see her reach these milestones!image_2

Saturday, as soon as Ken got home from the ICU, we left to go car shopping!  Ken’s old car died on Thursday and our options were either to (a) get Ken’s old car towed to the nearest Saab dealership in Baton Rouge, where we could hope and pray that they might be able to fix it, or (b) rent a car for Ken for the next 5 weeks, then buy him a new car  upon our arrival in Baltimore, or (c) buy Ken a new car now, thus saving the $1000+ it would cost to rent a car for five weeks.  We chose option (c).

Luckily, Ken had already gone to look at a few cars on Friday with one of his Masonic brothers, so he already had an idea of what he was looking for.  So Saturday we headed to the Subaru dealership, where we test drove a Legacy and a Forester.  After talking with our parents (who were all, much to our surprise, on the same page), we decided to go ahead and purchase a 2012 Subaru Forester.  So here we are with our new car!  image_1

I think that this will be a great family car for us in the years to come since it has a lot of storage space, it’s very comfortable, it will handle well in the rain and snow and it will be the perfect car for us to grow into as a family.

Sunday Ken worked in the ICU during the day, but since the weather was so gorgeous, Julia and I went out on a LOOOOONG walk!  We walked from our house, up Magazine Street all the way to our friends’ house, then to Audubon Park and the playground!  We went to the playground with Liz and her daughter, Katherine (who is exactly 4 months older than Julia).  Neither Katherine nor Julia had ever been on the swings before so we decided to bring a picnic lunch for us Mommies and let the babies try the swings!

Here’s Katherine on the swingsimage

and here’s Julia on the swings! photo

As you can tell from her look of sheer joy, she LOVED going on the swing!  She was fascinated by her shadow at the beginning and spent quite some time looking down as her shadow followed her while she swung back and forth, but she seemed to love swinging!  (I’m not surprised since I remember loving the swings as a little girl!)

Seeing how much she loved the swings made me very excited about the fact that our house in Baltimore will be walking distance from a big brand new playground.  For now, I think Julia’s only big enough to go on the swings but in a few months she’ll be crawling around and then walking around and she’ll be ready to try the slides and then maybe some of the smaller play structures.  It will be so much fun to have such a big playground walking distance from our house as she gets to be a bit older.

In the coming weeks, as we get ready for our move, we have so much to look forward to!  Julia’s 7-month checkup is this Wednesday, and then Sunday will be my first Mother’s Day!  Since Ken’s on call on Sunday, we’re going to celebrate Saturday instead.  We’re not sure yet what we will do, though if it were up to me, we’d get all dressed up in a seersucker suit and white linen dresses and we’d head to brunch at Commander’s Palace!  After that we’d take a stroll around the Garden District and then maybe have some family play time at the playground before going home for some snuggles and a nap.  This week I am going to use Ken’s Valentine’s Day Present to me (a gift card to my favorite day spa in New Orleans) to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure, so I’ll get some much needed pampering before my first Mother’s Day!  We have two friends who are pregnant and whose babies are due any day now… so we are definitely looking forward to meeting some new babies in the next couple of weeks as well.

Julia Rose’s Birth Story!

Sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote… but I hope you will agree that I have a good excuse.  I’ve been busy taking care of my beautiful baby girl, Julia Rose!  I thought I would share her birth story as well as just a few photos.  So here we go…

Early early Monday morning, October 8th, at 2:30 AM, we were sleeping and I got up to go pee (this was probably the 3rd or 4th time that night that I had to pee (I was, after all, 37+ weeks pregnant!).  When I got back to bed, it felt like I was either still peeing a little bit or like maybe my water had broken and was coming out in little dribbles every few minutes.  So I woke up Ken and (this may be TMI), I asked him to smell my underwear to tell me whether it smelled like urine or like amniotic fluid.  He smelled it and said it smelled sweet (which is what they say amniotic fluid is supposed to smell like) so he said we should probably go to the hospital.  I wasn’t convinced, so I said there was really no reason to go to the hospital, and I told Ken I was just going to go to work and keep my 2 PM appointment with my OB.

So I got up and went to work.  Around 1:15 I left for my doctor’s appointment.  When I first got to the doctor, they did all the usual tests… had me pee in a cup, took my temperature, took my BP, etc. then the doctor came in and asked how I was feeling.  I told her about what had happened, so she checked the fluid using a methylene blue test, which came back positive (basically it’s like litmus paper that turns blue in the presence of amniotic fluid), so she said that she would be delivering me that evening.  I asked her if I could go home first to get my stuff, then she did an internal exam and said she could feel body parts, so there was no way she was going to allow me to go home.  She said I should go straight to the hospital and that Ken could go home to get our stuff.

I then had to make a few phone calls… first I called Ken: “Hello?”  he answered.  “Hi!  I have some news for you!”  “Yes?”  “We’re having a baby tonight!”  So he quickly got dismissed from work for the rest of the week and went home to get our hospital bag as well as some last minute things that we hadn’t yet packed (we weren’t supposed to be having a baby for over a week, after all!)  Then I called my mom and Ken’s parents and they all spread the word to all the folks they needed to tell.  I went over to L&D at the hospital, where I changed into a hospital gown and got hooked up to the monitors.  I got all checked in and waited for Ken to get there.  When Ken got there, we both had a big rush of emotions… excitement, nervousness, shock, etc.  When my OB came in and told us that they would be delivering me within the hour, Ken quickly changed into his scrubs and got ready for the surgery!

I thought the next few hours would go by really slowly but they went by surprisingly quickly, and around 5:30 PM they started wheeling us back to the OR to get prepped for the C-Section.  The Anesthesiologists came in to consent me, and then they inserted the spinal (which was, by the way, a very weird feeling!).  Ken had my phone with him to take photos during the C-Section, so here’ s a photo of me on the table, waiting for everything to begin.

The C-Section seemed to take forever, and the one thing that was the most distressing about the whole thing was that Ken could see everything that was going on and I had no idea what was happening.  Finally, Ken told me they had gotten through the uterus and they got to the baby… there are a few photos that are not exactly the most beautiful photos to share with the world wide web (i.e. they’re kinda bloody) but here’s the first semi-decent photo of the baby. 

After they got the baby out, Ken went to stay with her while the Doctor and the upper-level resident finished sewing me up.  After what felt like hours (it was probably only about 10-15 minutes), Ken finally brought the baby over to me to give her a kiss and see her. 

After the surgery, they wheeled me back to the recovery room and then about 20 minutes later they brought the baby in from the nursery and I had a chance to nurse her for the first time and hold her.  It was such a wonderful feeling to hold our baby girl–it was like I fell in love instantly and immediately felt as though I would do anything for her! 

That first night is kind of a blur… I was on a lot of pain medication and was very very sleepy, but for some reason I couldn’t actually sleep.  I also just wanted to hold the baby all night… look at her, get to know her, watch her, etc.  There’s no feeling quite as special as holding your baby for the first time.

The advice I had gotten from everybody I knew who had a C-Section was that to recover as quickly as possible, I had to push myself to get up out of bed and walk as much as I possibly could, so I was determined to do that.  I got out of bed early Tuesday morning shortly after the nurses took out my catheter, and I made a point to stay on top of my pain so that I could get up and walk back and forth up and down the hallway a couple of times a day.  Tuesday and Wednesday we had a lot of friends come to visit, and then Wednesday evening, my mom arrived from San Francisco to stay with us for a week and a half to help out with the baby.  She’s still staying with us and will be here until Tuesday (at which time she will be 2 weeks and 1 day old!) 

We went home from the hospital on Thursday, and Ken’s parents arrived later that day for a long weekend visit.  Julia is so lucky to have 4 grandparents who love her so much and who are ready to spoil her!  Jim also came a week later and just left this afternoon, so he also got to meet his granddaughter.

While we were in the hospital, we took a lot of photos of Julia, and we also had a professional photographer come in to take her “official” newborn photos!

While Ken’s parents were in town, we also took Julia for several of her “firsts”–her first brunch (at our favorite breakfast place), her first walk in the stroller, her first bath, etc.

Now that she has been home with us for over a week, we are settling into a new lifestyle as parents.  It definitely takes a lot of adjusting and it will be a big learning process, but we are slowly getting the hang of it as she teaches us how to be parents and as we learn from her, from our doctors, and from other parents that we know.  One thing that has been the most challenging is that nobody can tell us about our baby because every baby is different.  The pediatrician has one piece of advice, the OB has another piece of advice, the lactation consultant and La Leche Leader have another piece of advice, and other parents have other advice but when it all comes down to it, we have to take every little piece of advice that we get and figure out how to make it work for our baby.  She is different from all other babies and may need her own very unique parenting style that we will need to figure out as we go along.

Update After Doctor’s Appointment

Well I saw the MFM this afternoon.  I didn’t see the MFM I normally see because my regular MFM was on the L&D Floor today, but I saw one of her partners.  He did an ultrasound (though sadly I didn’t get any pictures to take home) and everything was looking great with the baby.  There was plenty of fluid, the measurements of the baby’s abdomen and head looked good, the baby’s heart was beating beautifully and she was even practicing breathing.  She was also moving around a lot during the scan, so the doctor and the ultrasound tech both said she had good movement.  They predicted the baby’s size at about 6 lbs. 9 oz. 

Since I’m not seeing my regular OB this week (she’s out of town at a conference until Saturday), I asked the MFM to do an internal exam as well… he said my cervix was high and closed (whereas my regular OB said on Friday that I was about 1 cm. dilated).  The MFM said it could just be that he has bigger fingers than my regular OB but he said my cervix was definitely not quite ready.  I asked him (because Ken wanted me to) if he could predict when the baby might come, and he said that was a very silly question… but he doesn’t think I’ll be going into labor anytime within the next week or so.  He thinks I could very well make it to my scheduled C-Section date of 10/16.  He told me it seems as though the baby is still pretty high up, because when he did my internal exam, he felt that her tushy was still pretty high and she doesn’t seem to have dropped at all.  So it looks like we could have another 13 days before we meet our baby girl, after all!  Of course I want her to stay in and bake for as long as possible but I am definitely starting to feel impatient and I would just like to meet her already and get started on this whole having a baby thing! 

Well… my next appointment is on Monday with the regular OB so hopefully I’ll have another update then!  We’ll be at 38 weeks on Tuesday and I should have my last HDBD photo on Wednesday.  I’m thinking that starting on Saturday (10/6) we’ll start with a more official countdown… 10 days until baby!

37 week HDBD Photo

Here we are at 37 weeks and 1 day!  Our kitten, Boudreaux, decided he wanted to be in this week’s photo, too, so here you have me, BGL and Boudreaux!

Later today I have an appointment with the MFM.  Hopefully she’ll do an internal exam to let me know how dilated/effaced I am (on Friday with the regular OB I was 1 cm dilated so we’ll see if I’ve made any progress) and she’ll probably give me an estimate of the baby’s size.  I will not be at all surprised when she tells me that the baby’s still breech since I can still feel her head way up high, though it does feel to me like the baby has dropped a bit/my belly has descended lower into my pelvis. 

On Friday when I saw the regular OB she said that even though I’ve got my C-Section scheduled for the 16th, she doesn’t think I’ll make it that far… partially because I had already started dilating and partially because I’ve already been having some contractions here and there.  My personal goal is to make it to Sunday night/Monday morning at the earliest because we have tickets to the Saints game on Sunday night and I would like to be able to go to at least this one game this season, even if the Saints are doing horribly this year (they’re 0 and 4 so far this season!)  And really… it might even be nice to make it to Monday night/Tuesday morning since Monday night is the Simchat Torah celebration at our Synagogue (this is definitely Ken’s favorite holiday since it involves dancing around with the Torah, drinking, and then a day of sitting around a table with our Rabbi philosophizing (is that a word?) about all kinds of deep and profound topics).  But really I would be fine with the baby coming anytime now… I’m ready to be done being pregnant and just start this next chapter!

At work, things have been piling up on my plate and people don’t seem to understand that at this point in my pregnancy I should be wrapping up projects, not adding more work to my to do list.  This afternoon I will (hopefully) be finally meeting with my supervisor to figure out who will be doing all of the things that I do regularly while I’m out.  I’ve written out detailed instructions about how to do everything  for whoever does take over, but I still don’t know who that will be.  People keep asking me, “Who should I talk to about x, y and z while you’re out?” and up until now I’ve had to say, “I don’t know!” but hopefully this afternoon I can give all of those people some answers. 

Well that’s all for now… I’m sure I’ll have another update after my doctor’s appointment this afternoon.  Until then, Happy Wednesday morning!

Happy FT Day!

If Viability Day was “V-Day” then Full Term Day must be “FT Day”!  Today we are Full Term… 37 weeks!  After all the worry we went through at the beginning of my pregnancy and all of the doubt we had about whether I would even be able to get pregnant or carry a baby to term, I am so happy to have made it to today!  Baby Girl is officially allowed to enter the world any time from here on out (though since we have tickets to the Saints game on Sunday, it would be nice if she could wait until late Sunday night or Monday morning).

According to the Bump, she’s the size of a Watermelon or a Wintermelon!

And new developments this week?

The Bump says that the baby likely measures about 18.9 to 20.9 inches long and weighs anywhere from 6.2 to 9.2 lbs and she’s gaining about 1/2 oz. each day.  She’s practicing inhaling, exhaling, sucking, gripping and blinking to get ready for the outside world, and she’s getting her first sticky pooop (meconium) ready for her first diaper.  I’ve heard nasty stories about this so I’m not looking forward to it.  Hopefully Ken or one of the nurses can change that first diaper!

Baby Center also says that even though my “due date” is officially 3 weeks away, that the baby’s lungs will likely be mature enough to adjust to life outside the womb.  They also mention that some babies have a full head of hair (I wonder whether our baby will…?) and that their hair can be 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long.  At this point, I just can’t wait to meet her and see what she looks like!  BGL, we’re ready for you whenever you feel like coming out to play!

36 Week Belly Picture

So since yesterday was Yom Kippur, it would have felt a little weird to take pictures… it would have been somewhat Sacreligious if you ask me… so this morning I took one in the mirror.  Mirror self-portraits never turn out quite as I want them to, but here you go… 36 weeks and 2 days:

36 Week Update

Today we have reached Week 36!  One week until I’m officially “Full Term,” 3 weeks until our scheduled C-Section, and 4 weeks until my actual “due date.”  CRAZY!  Baby is the size of a Honeydew Melon and I must say, this week I do feel like I’m carrying around a Honeydew Melon in my belly. 

This week I’ve started to feel very uncomfortable.  I think it’s probably because the baby is breech, but it constantly feels like there is something (the baby’s head) pressing up into my left lung, making it hard to breathe.  I’ve also been getting a lot of menstrual-like cramps down low, which can be very uncomfortable at times.  And, that irrational fear I mentioned last week, that anytime I go to the bathroom my water is going to break… yeah, that fear has only intensified, to the point that whenever I go to the bathroom at work, I bring my phone with me just in case I need to text or call anyone to tell them my water has broken and that I need a ride to the hospital.   

Thanks to 3 of my dear friends, I had my third (and final, as far as I know) baby shower on Sunday.  It was really a lot of fun and we got so many awesome presents!  At this point we pretty much have everything we need for the baby… the only “big” (and by big, I don’t mean large in size but important) thing we need for the baby is the Monitor, and honestly we probably don’t even need it for the first week or so.  Ken’s parents are getting us the stroller and all the accessories that go along with that and there are a few other small things that we should probably try to get between now and the time the baby makes her appearance, but it’s not a big deal if we don’t have them beforehand, since we can always send my parents out to run some errands for us while we’re in the hospital.  We could use some wipes, the crib pad (kind of like a mattress pad that goes between the crib and the sheets), some newborn-size diapers (unless the baby is huge and comes out already wearing size 1), and maybe a little bookshelf for the nursery.  We could also probably use some bottles so I can store any breast milk I start to pump in the first few weeks, and maybe a few other little things here and there but we pretty much have all the big ticket items we wanted.  The one last luxury item I may treat myself to, just since I think it pulls the crib together, is the bumpers for the crib… but other than that I really think we’re all set!   

One person who it was really nice to see at the shower was my friend Sabrina, who traveled all the way from Maryland with her (almost) 6-month old baby boy.  She already had planned to be here this weekend, and then it just happened to be that the shower was this weekend, so it worked out nicely that she got to come.  It was very special to have her there and to see her after so many months.  She and her husband moved from New Orleans to Maryland in May, right after the boys graduated from Medical School, so it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen her.  Her son is absolutely adorable–he smiles all the time and he’s really at the age where he’s starting to be more interactive, so it was really fun to see them!  After the shower, they came over and we went out to dinner, but before we left for dinner, Sabrina put the baby on his belly on the rug in our living room.  Boudreaux, our cat, who had never seen a baby before, looked very curiously at the baby… he walked up to him, sniffed him a little, walked cautiously around him, and then acted as though he was a little scared of him.  It was definitely interesting to see his reaction to the baby and it made me feel better about how he’ll (hopefully) react to our baby when we bring her home from the hospital. 

Well… that’s all I’ve got for now… we’ll hopefully get a good HDBD photo for you tomorrow, though it is Yom Kippur tomorrow, so perhaps it would be inappropriate (?).  Until then… have a lovely Tuesday!

Pregnancy Confessions & Things to NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman

I’ve been thinking lately about some of the things that have been getting to me lately that people say, and also about some of the deep dark secrets that I’ve been holding onto regarding pregnancy, so here, in no particular order, and intertwined, is my list of Pregnancy Confessions and Things you should NEVER say to a pregnant woman:

1) NEVER say “You’re getting close now!”  In response to this, I want to say something along the lines of, “Thank you Captain Obvious!”  or “No S*** Sherlock!”

2) NEVER tell a pregnant woman that her belly is either really big or really small… it will make her question whether the baby is too big and maybe she has gestational diabetes and won’t be able to birth a 10 lb. baby or it will make her think that the baby is too small and is going to have intra-uterine growth restriction and won’t be able to breathe on his/her own.

3) Don’t ask a pregnant woman how she’s feeling unless you are actually prepared for her to answer your question truthfully and honestly and you also must be prepared for her to start crying. 

4) Confession: I have an irrational fear every time I go to the bathroom that my water is going to break, so even when I’m at work,  I bring my phone with me to the bathroom every time just in case I need to call for help from the bathroom.

5) Confession: I hate it when people tell me that my lack of sleep is just my body’s way of preparing me for when the baby gets here.  If my body really wanted to prepare me for when the baby gets here, then my body would let me sleep as long as I want to every night so that I’m well rested and relaxed when the baby gets here. 

6) Confession: Every time I start feeling crampy or feel like my belly is getting tight and hard, I pull up the Contraction Timer on my phone just in case but I’m really afraid of actually going into labor.

7) Confession: During pregnancy, I’ve eaten deli meat, sushi, soft cheeses, and I’ve had caffeinated beverages.  And you know what… I don’t care!

8) This one is for Husbands of pregnant ladies: If your pregnant wife tells you she wants you to go to an appointment with her, or wants  you to help her make some decision that she feels is important, even if you couldn’t care less, pretend it’s one of the most important decisions of your life, and just suck it up and go with her. 

9) Confession: I’m not too scared of having a C-Section… I’m not too scared of the first few days in the hospital or recovery… and I’m not even that scared of the first 3 weeks at home with the baby since I know my mom will be there with us to help us, but the thought of being home by myself with the baby after my mom leaves is terrifying.

10) I’ve woken up in the middle of the night several nights in a row now because of baby-related nightmares having to do with nursing, poopy diapers, drowning the baby in the bathtub accidentally, or leaving the baby in the car.  This makes me scared I’m going to be an unfit mother.