Another Nightmare

I should be posting a happy update after my appointment yesterday but instead I am here to write about a nightmare that Ken and I have to live through yet again. We arrived at my appointment yesterday to meet the OB here in Harrisburg.  He went over my records, we talked for a little bit and then he did the ultrasound. He found the beautiful little embryo, measuring right on track at 7 weeks 2 days, with a nice strong heartbeat that we listened to and took a video of: 156 beats per minute. Then, because of my complicated anatomy, he started looking around to figure out exactly where the baby is located.  I’ve written before about my complicated anatomy: I have a left unicornuate uterus with what we had always been told was a “non-communicating rudimentary horn” on the right side.  We had always been told it would be impossible for me to get pregnant on that side, which was a good thing because that side would be unable to sustain a pregnancy.  It’s too little, not stretchy enough, and isn’t connected to the birth canal so would make birth (or even a C-Section for that matter) quite complicated.  So the doctor looked around a bit and was pretty sure he was seeing this pregnancy in that right-sided horn.  He wasn’t entirely certain though, and there was still some doubt in his voice about whether his orientation was off or whether things had been put back funny after my C-section such that right was now left.  He printed some pictures of the pretty little bean, and said he’d see us back in 2 weeks and we’d figure out at that time what is going on.

Everyone loves being told to “wait and see,” especially two Type A professionals like me and Ken… so we immediately decided we didn’t like that approach and we called the father of Julia’s babysitter, who happens to be an MFM doctor.  He was working in his Columbia, Maryland office yesterday, but said he’d be happy to see us without a referral, to do some additional imaging.  So we left and drove down to Columbia.  He pretty quickly confirmed exactly what we didn’t want to hear: this pregnancy is located in the rudimentary horn of my unicornuate uterus and his recommendation was to terminate the pregnancy.  He said there’s a small chance that this pregnancy could make it in my horn, but chances are we are putting my life at risk because there’s a very strong possibility that my uterus could rupture.  In that case, I would need an emergency hysterectomy.

He called the OB to give them an update, then called the MFM in Harrisburg to find out if they could handle my case.  What I have going on is so rare and bizarre that they didn’t quite know how to handle it, so they said to call the doctors at Hopkins.  I would never go to Hopkins for routine medical care but when you have something weird and strange going on, Hopkins is a great resource to have close by.

So tomorrow morning at 8:15 AM, Ken and I will be heading down to the Johns Hopkins Center for Fetal Therapy to meet with a world-renowned MFM.  They will do their own ultrasound to find out what we are dealing with, and will counsel us on steps to take moving forward.  Most likely their recommendation will be to do a “direct injection” into the gestational sac.  This injection would stop the baby’s heart.  After that, depending on exactly what the anatomy in there is like, my body would either expel the “products of conception” or they would become calcified or re-absorbed by my body.  At some point we will also likely be speaking to a Reproductive Endocrinologist about the possibility of removing the rudimentary horn and/or tying off the tube on that side to make sure that no future pregnancy could ever happen on that side.

Right now I still feel somewhat in shock and disbelief.  It’s so hard to reconcile the fact that we saw a beautiful and strong heartbeat with the fact that we will be terminating this pregnancy tomorrow. It’s so hard to believe this is all happening again, exactly a year after my partial molar pregnancy.  It’s hard to believe I’ll have to go through weeks or possibly months of follow-up again to make sure my body is doing what it’s supposed to do and properly expelling the pregnancy.  It’s hard to believe that yet again we have to put off our plans to have another baby.  We wanted this baby so badly and here we are again, having that dream taken away from us.  I don’t know if we can go through this pain and heartbreak again and right now I don’t know if it’s worth it to have another baby.  Julia is such an amazing little girl and it’s a miracle that she’s here and healthy.  Maybe we should just be grateful to have her and we should stop trying all together.  Obviously we are not in a place to even talk or think about trying again but I know that having this dream taken from us twice hurts more than anything has ever hurt before.  My heart feels broken and my eyes feel like they have run out of tears.  I know that we have to be strong for Julia but it so hard to stay strong when on the inside I feel like I’m being torn apart.

7-week update

Today, Poppyseed 2.0 and I have made it to 7 weeks.  This week I’m really looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday morning with the new practice I’ll be seeing in Harrisburg.  I’m excited that Ken is able to join me for this one and I’m really hoping the doctor will do an Ultrasound so Ken can see the little nugget and hopefully hear (or at least see) the heartbeat.

After last week’s appointment, and seeing the heartbeat, I am feeling much more relaxed about this pregnancy but it’s still easy to feel nervous not knowing what’s going on in there.  I remember feeling this way with Julia too, at least until I could feel her kicking and moving around.  Until you get that daily assurance that everything is okay, it’s easy to wonder.  Luckily this time, my symptoms are much stronger than they were even with Julia or especially with the miscarriage.  I have been having on-and-off queasiness for the last week and a half.  It’s pretty much a daily thing that I need to lie down on the couch for a few minutes every morning shortly after getting up and starting the day.  It’s gotten to the point that Julia expects me to lie down on the couch at some point in the morning.  My stomach feels in a constant state of not knowing whether I’m queasy because I just ate something or whether I’m queasy because I need to eat something but either way I just feel a little bit off pretty much constantly.

I’m also feeling absolutely exhausted, all the time.  Friday night I went to sleep around 8:30, and I didn’t get up until after 7 and yet I still felt exhausted most of the day on Saturday.  Then Sunday afternoon I took a 2.5-hour nap while Julia watched a movie, and yet I still got into bed and fell asleep about 2 seconds after my head hit the pillow.

There’s also the bloating, occasional cramping, and very sore boobs that all make it impossible for me to forget that I’m pregnant.

I’ve heard that for second pregnancies you start showing a lot earlier, and that you can feel movement a lot earlier, so I’m hoping those prove true with me and excited to find out when those things happen.  I went back to look through my pregnancy photos from when I was pregnant with Julia and I think I didn’t really start to show until close to 17/18 weeks, so if the rumor proves true then I should theoretically start showing closer to 13/14 weeks this time around (I’ve heard it’s about a month earlier the second time).  I’m still in all my regular clothes but am definitely looking forward to the day when I can put on maternity jeans without feeling weird about it since I remember those as being as comfy as pajamas or leggings!  I’m also looking forward to the end of February, when I will be getting a Maternity Stitch Fix box!  I can’t wait to see what fun items they find and pick out for me.

On that note… I’m going to get going but I’m sure I’ll post an update Wednesday after our appointment!  Keep growing, Poppyseed 2.0!

Week 6 Update


See that?

That’s a beautiful gestational sac with a yolk sac and a lovely little heartbeat!

That’s right… we aren’t out of the woods yet, but I made it to my 6-week appointment with my old OB practice and the doctor saw exactly what he wanted to see.  I was measuring right on track for 6 weeks gestation.  He liked the size of the sac and he loved the little flicker of a heartbeat that he saw.  He warned me before the ultrasound that this early it’s often hard to see anything and he said if that was the case he would have me come back in a week to re-check things, but he saw exactly what he wanted to see and said I didn’t need to come back for 4 weeks.

I immediately let out a huge sigh of relief and felt a million times better knowing I can relax (at least a little) for now, knowing that things are where they’re supposed to be and look the way they’re supposed to look for this point in my pregnancy.

I texted the picture to our parents, all of whom let out a collective sigh of relief as well.  And even Ken (who is a worry-wart like his mother!) said we need to celebrate at least a little tonight, knowing we have a little Sweet Pea growing with a little heart of his or her own.

Next question: how and when to tell the rest of the family?

5 week update

According to the “What to Expect” app, Poppyseed 3.0 (third time’s a charm, they say!) is the size of an Orange Seed.  Today I am 5 weeks pregnant, with 35 weeks to go.  My first appointment is scheduled for one week from today.  Sadly, Ken won’t be able to join me but luckily I have lined up a friend who can accompany me so I won’t have to be all alone at the doctor’s office, waiting anxiously to find out how things look in there. And in the event that things don’t look good, I’ll have a friend there to comfort me.

I continue to feel hopeful that everything is going to be okay.  I’ve continued to have very sore boobs as well as mild cramping that comes and goes throughout the day.  I also find myself getting hungry approximately every 2 hours but because I can’t eat much at any given time, I end up having a few small snacks throughout the day.  I’ve found myself getting a little sick to my stomach first thing in the morning until I eat something, and I’ve been absolutely exhausted.  Over the weekend I took a nice long nap on Saturday afternoon while Julia watched a movie, and I still managed to go to sleep by about 9 PM.  I have told a few more friends since last week, just because it happened to come up in conversation, but for the most part we are keeping this quiet until we know things look good.  Aside from parents, we haven’t told any other family, and aside from a few friends each, we are keeping things under wraps.

For now, that’s all the update I have… hopefully next week I’ll have good news to share. Maybe even a beautiful ultrasound picture of a gestational sac and yolk sac!

Pregnant After a Miscarriage

It’s been a while since I’ve written… for that I apologize.  Things have been a little crazy since I last wrote.  Here’s the short version: Ken finished residency, we moved to Pennsylvania, I started having a 1.5 hour commute each way three days a week, we got really stressed out, we went to Disneyworld, Ken started his new job, Julia started at her new school, she’s been having some behavioral problems, she turned 4, we’ve started working through the stress at home and have been exploring Pennsylvania more, we went to Hershey Park a lot, things are getting much better, Ken loves his job, I still love my job and I don’t mind the commute, we got a new fun car for me.  We are getting to know the area and are starting to reach out and make friends, things are getting a lot better between us and we are getting the help for Julia that she needs and that will hopefully help her to harness her wild spirit and use her amazing intelligence and fun personality for good.  We were just in California for a week for Thanksgiving.

And… while we were there, we found out that I’m pregnant. Again.  My third pregnancy, and hopefully my second child (fingers and toes crossed!). The same week that we found out I was pregnant last year (the second week of November).  This time is very different. This time, I’m pregnant after a miscarriage.  This brings with it a new set of anxieties and fears that I didn’t have last time but that I probably should have had.  Since I’ve always been open on this little blog of mine about my struggles, both emotional and otherwise, I want to continue that trend and write through the struggles of being pregnant after a pregnancy loss, especially after a Partial Molar Pregnancy.

This was our first month of seriously “trying.”  By that, I mean that over the last several months we weren’t “trying” but weren’t “preventing.”  So I wasn’t on any form of birth control but we weren’t paying attention to my cycle, when I was ovulating, or trying to time things in such a way as to maximize our chances of having a baby.  We finally decided that if we wanted to try for real, I needed to do something so I started taking my temperature this cycle (which started on Halloween), and I started taking Prenatal Vitamins as well as extra B6 and B12… and BAM!  I ovulated earlier in my cycle than I usually do, but I started to feel that somehow this month was different, so on Saturday when we arrived at my parents’ house, I took a pregnancy test and a VERY faint line appeared on the test. It wasn’t totally conclusive, so I ran out and went a little crazy at the drug store, where I bought 4 more pregnancy tests… again, they were not so conclusive.  So the next day I bought even more pregnancy tests, and this time they were pretty conclusive. There were two lines on the test… then I took a digital and BAM: “Pregnant” showed up clear as day.

At first we said we weren’t going to tell ANYONE!  (After our experience with the miscarriage, we were worried about telling people and then having to un-tell people, or about breaking the hearts of those who love us if G-d forbid, anything goes wrong this time, too.)  Then we had to tell my Mom, cause she’s my Mama and I can’t keep anything from her.  Then Jim asked me if I wanted some wine at dinner the night before Thanksgiving.  “No, thank you.”  I said.  Then on Thanksgiving morning he asked again and again I said, “No, thank you.”  He knew something was up… “Are you off of alcohol?”  “Temporarily,” I said.  He gave me a look, so we had to tell him too.  We each told a friend or two just so we have some support through this stressful period, and we told Ken’s dad too since he understands how this all works from a medical standpoint and can hopefully keep the medical separate from the emotional, but until we know things are okay in there, we are going to hold off on telling any more family or our entire world of friends.

I am eventually going to switch completely to a doctor at Hershey Medical Center, but for now my doctor in Baltimore is going to see me right at 6 weeks to (hopefully) confirm the pregnancy.  So my first appointment is scheduled for December 12th, at which time I will be 6 weeks along (today I’m 4 weeks), and my first appointment with a doctor in Hershey is scheduled for December 21st.

I’m trying very very very hard (though it’s not working well) not to get too excited, not to make too many plans in my mind, not to think about whether this one’s a boy or a girl, whether this one will have blue eyes or green eyes, or about what names we might put on our short list.  I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant at Adam and Jenn’s wedding or about the fact that I’ll need to get a cute maternity dress for their engagement party.  I’m trying not to be excited about the fact that I could have a one-month old on my birthday, or about the fact that next year we can get a “Baby’s first Halloween” onesie.  I’m trying to act as though this isn’t really a thing to be excited about or to even really acknowledge, until we find out for sure that it’s going well, but it’s hard not to get excited.  There’s a saying that “A man becomes a father the day his child is born. A woman becomes a mother the day she finds out she’s pregnant.”  So it’s really hard not to get excited but I’m trying so hard in the hopes that my dreams don’t get crushed again.  I’m trying to take on the attitude that I will be pleasantly surprised if everything is going well and will only be mildly disappointed if I have another miscarriage, but deep down I know that’s completely impossible and really insane of me to ask of myself.  I know I will be crushed, devastated, destroyed if it happens again but I’m trying to keep a strong head on my shoulders to avoid that happening.

I’m hopeful.  The statistics are in my favor.  Only 15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Only 1-2% of pregnant women will experience 2 miscarriages in a row.  My chances of having a second partial molar pregnancy are only 5%.  Those make me feel better.  I’m also encouraged by my stronger symptoms this time around than I had last time.  My breasts have been sore, and I’ve had mild cramping that comes and goes throughout the day.  I also periodically get these waves of feeling like I’m getting motion sickness (which his how a lot of women describe morning sickness).  But really I’m grasping for straws–anything that will make me feel better between now and my first appointment.

I’m also scared, terrified, extremely worried that the same thing is going to happen again.  That I will get to the appointment, the Doctor will start the ultrasound and her facial expression will turn from hopeful to sad to blank as she finds an empty gestational sac.  That I will get a phone call from pathology a few days later saying that I had a partial molar pregnancy and that my HCG numbers are dropping slowly (or worse–are rising).  The next few weeks are also going to be a painful reminder of what we went through last year.  In 2 weeks I have a conference to go to… it’s the same conference I went to last year while was pregnant.  Just being back in those same conference rooms will bring back difficult memories.  Going back to my doctor’s office exactly a year and a day after we found out I was miscarrying is going to be very traumatic.  And my due date is likely going to be about a year after we should have had a baby, but instead of being in a hospital giving birth, we were at Disneyworld, sweating in the sun, riding on rides, because the baby was just not meant to be.

Right now I’m on a roller coaster of emotions and trying to keep everything in check. I will keep you posted.  But if you’re the praying type, or the thinking type, or even just the good juju sending type, do what you need to do to send good thoughts my way, please.  Please don’t let what happened last year happen again this year.  I’m hopeful that this time around we can get Julia a shirt that says “I’m going to be a big sister,” and that we can make a cute announcement that says “Only child status expiring in July, 2017.”  Send all your positive energy my way, please.  And thank you!

A Very Happy Mother’s Day!

This past weekend I got to spend a very special Mother’s Day weekend with my Mommy!

My mom flew in on Thursday afternoon, and Julia and I picked her up from the airport.  It was so special that Julia got to see her first thing after school.

Friday I worked from home while my mom and Julia got to spend the day together.  We took Julia to the dentist, and then did a little bit of shopping and had lunch together.  It was a terribly rainy day so we were stuck inside all day, but Julia had lots of fun splashing around in the puddles! 5.12.2016(8)

Friday night, the four of us went out to a lovely dinner at Alma Cocina in Canton.  It’s a Latin American restaurant that was absolutely delicious and surprisingly kid-friendly!  I would definitely go back there again, with or without Julia.

Saturday, Ken spent the day with Julia while my mom and I went to the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival.  This was the first time since Julia was born that my mom and I got to spend the day together just the two of us, and it was our first knitting event together.  I picked up some new yarn for a few new projects, and I can’t wait to start them in the next few weeks!  I just started working on my first sweater, so I want to get into that a bit before I start another project, but I have the sleeve started for now so I’m excited to see that progress.


Saturday night, my mom stayed home with Julia while Ken & I went out to the Orioles game.  We met up with some friends while we were there and had a great time.  Best of all, the Orioles won, and I got my Mother’s Day giveaway (an Orioles tote bag)!



Sunday was Mother’s Day.  We started the day with a photo shoot!  Julia’s friend Jonah has a Daddy who’s a Professional Photographer, and he was offering “mini sessions” at the Cylburn Arboretum for Mother’s Day.  The weather was beautiful and the location was perfect.  He gave us one sneak peek for fun, but I can’t wait to see the rest of the photos!


After our photo shoot, my mom and I took Julia to soccer practice, and then we all went to Brunch with my cousins Rachel & David.  It was nice to see everybody and we got to try another new-to-us restaurant in Fells Point.  Yum yum!


Sunday evening, I cooked dinner for me and my mom (Ken wasn’t feeling great so he didn’t have any…) and then Monday my mom and Julia spent the day together while Ken and I went to work.  When I got home, I made dinner for all four of us and my mom and I had a knitting lesson/afghan square blocking session.


It was such a nice visit with my Mommy and it was so special that we got to spend Mother’s Day together!  I hope we’ll get to spend more Mothers’ Days together in future years!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mamas out there, but especially to my own!

Happy News!

Finally, after 7 months of blood tests, and anxiety about what they would show, we can put the Partial Molar Pregnancy ordeal behind us!  I had my last HCG Blood Test on Monday and got the results back yesterday: my numbers are still at 0 for the 3rd month in a row which means we are done! Cleared to try again!

We went out last night to celebrate with some Prosecco and Italian food! 5.12.2016

We are so relieved and feel as though a ton of bricks have been lifted from our shoulders. We no longer have to worry about the “mole” growing back as cancer. And now, we can try again…

I know that if/when I get pregnant again, I will be a nervous wreck, a ball of nervous energy, until we see on Ultrasound that everything is going smoothly.  But I feel confident that one day, we will have another healthy baby.  It took one month to get pregnant with Julia, 5 months to get pregnant with the baby that never was, so I’m hopeful that it won’t take too long to get pregnant this time. But for now we are not in any rush.  It will happen when it happens, and when it does, we will probably keep it to ourselves until we know that everything is going well.

But hopefully, not too long from now, I can write the post I’ve been wanting to write for a long time now, entitled “Little Poppyseed 2.0 is on his/her way!”

Hello, there!

Why, hello there!  It’s been a while since I’ve written.  We’ve been very busy with lots of fun things.

As far as my recent medical issues are concerned, my HCG level came down to 0 and I have started having monthly monitoring.  Assuming my HCG levels stay down, we should be cleared to start trying again in early-mid June.  The summer will be a very busy time for us since we are moving on July 1st and getting settled in our new house and community, going to Disney the last week of July and then Ken will be starting his new job August 15th and Julia will start at her new school the last week of August… all that to say we may not have much time or energy to devote to “trying” but I feel confident that when the time is right, it will happen, and we will have another baby.

We have been busy with lots of fun things… we had Ken’s 10-year reunion last weekend, we went to Hopkins’ Spring Fair this past weekend, we have Passover coming up this weekend, my mom and Sheila are coming to visit for a weekend in May, and we have lots of birthday parties and baseball coming up soon, too!

Here are a few photos from the last few weeks to give you a sense of why we’ve been so busy.  I’m hopeful I’ll have more time to blog in the next few months and I can’t wait to share photos of our new house as it starts to come together.

Julia & I had a mini photo shoot at the Associated’s annual Hamentaschen Baking Event!



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We also had a super fun trip to Chicago for Cousin Paige’s wedding!  We had a couple days to explore the city–we had a great time at the Museum of Science and Industry and at the Field Museum. We definitely appreciated the city’s great public transportation system, which was very easy to navigate and which brought us from Oak Park, where we were staying, into downtown, with great ease.  The wedding was absolutely beautiful and a lot of fun.  We were up and dancing the whole night and really had a wonderful time celebrating Paige & Megan’s beautiful relationship and marriage!  Megan’s family was so wonderful and the whole weekend seemed like a true coming together of two families.  Mazel Tov to Paige & Megan!







While we were in Chicago, we also had the chance to meet up with some of the Pumpkin Patch Mamas who live in that area!  The longer our group of Mamas have been together, the more grateful I am for our amazing group.  Even though we all started as an internet discussion board surrounding our pregnancies and the birth of our children, we have become a true “village” of Moms all over the country.  It’s really like we have great friends in all parts of the country.  When I meet moms from the group, it feels as though we’ve been friends for a long time, even if we have never actually met in real life.  It was so nice to meet Rhonda & Lauren while we were in Chicago!


Baseball is back!

Ken & I went to Opening Day and we took Julia to Kids Opening Day a couple weeks ago.  She had a great time cheering on the Orioles.  She loves saying “Come on, Manny!” anytime Manny Machado is up to bat and she’s started figuring out how to pay attention to the game a little bit.




Here are some photos from Homecoming (Julia also had a great time at the Hopkins Lacrosse game!)





And then we enjoyed some lovely weather this past weekend at Spring Fair!



That’s all for now… I hope to write again soon!

Great News!

This morning the nurse from the OB office called me for the 11th week in a row:

“Hello?” I answered nervously, bracing myself for bad news.

“It seems that your second D&C did what it was supposed to do! Your HCG is down to 4!”

“YAAAAAY!!! That’s the best news you’ve ever given me!”

Now my doctor wants two more weekly HCG draws showing that the number is staying nice and low.  For all intents and purposes, an HCG under 5 is considered negative, so as long as it stays under 5, we’re good.  Then she wants 3 months of negative numbers.  And then we’ll be cleared to try again.  So in May or June (depending on how you count the 3 months–does she want negative in March, April and May, or does she want 3 months from March, which would be April, May and June), almost a year after we initially started trying, and right around the time I should have been due, we will be allowed to start trying again.

Realistically, that will be a very hectic time for us as we’ll be preparing to move out of state, moving, going on a trip to Disneyworld and then getting settled into life in a new place and Ken’s new job, so we may just “not prevent” for a while before actually “trying.” But we’ll be all done with this ordeal and can truly put it behind us.



Loss and Grief

We’re now 10 weeks post D&C (3 days post the second D&C).  For the most part, I am doing fine.  Emotionally, I’ve put the pregnancy loss behind me and I’m able to function at work and at home without thinking too much about it.  I don’t have random bouts of tears like I did in the first week or two after my miscarriage.  I’m hopeful and optimistic that my second D&C on Monday worked and that we’ll start to see my HCG levels drop closer and closer to 0.  I’ll be so excited when I hear that I’ve gotten to 5 or below and we can start crossing off the days on our calendar while we wait 3 months before we’re cleared to try again.  Of course the bleeding right now is a constant reminder, and there are things that come up that remind me about everything and make me sad, but for the most part I’m fine.

Even though I am (and have always been) very pro-choice, and I don’t think that life begins at conception, I do not feel comfortable saying that what we lost was just a ball of cells.  (In Judaism, life begins at birth.  In some cultures, life begins at “quickening.”  I don’t have a strong opinion about when exactly life begins.  But I do not think that what we lost was truly a life.  It was the potential for life, but it was not itself a life.)  There’s a saying that a mother becomes a mother the day she gets pregnant, and I truly feel that the day I found out I was pregnant this time around, I became the mother to two.  Obviously not to two babies since one was never to become a baby, but to two somethings: two ideas? Two hopes? Two wishes? I don’t know…

When I was pregnant with Julia we marked each week that passed.  I was 16 weeks pregnant, then 17, then 18… we read up about what her little body was doing each week–developing eyebrows, sucking on her thumb, growing 2 inches in length, etc. and we celebrated as we got closer and closer to viability and then closer and closer to full term.  This time around we can’t do that, but every now and then I can’t help but count… if I had the D&C at 8 weeks, and I’m now 10 weeks post D&C, I would be 18 weeks pregnant this week.  We would be almost half way there.  I don’t have much attachment to the weekly progression that we don’t get to see but the one date that does stand out in my mind is July 28th, the day that would have been my due date.

I fully understand that due dates don’t mean much of anything.  Take Julia, for example: her due date was October 23rd but she was born on the 8th.  I was born a week past my mom’s due date.  But still… July 28th would have been an important date.  As we approach that date I can’t help but wonder what, if anything, I should do to somehow mark it, commemorate it, remember it in some way.  I have no doubt that as the years go on, that date will lose meaning but this year I think I want to do something to mark that date.  I just read a beautiful article this morning, available here:

In it, the author talks about lighting a Yahrzeit candle, a traditional candle that’s lit in Jewish families on the anniversary of someone’s death.  She lit the candle on the anniversary of the day she miscarried but somehow I feel that it may feel more appropriate for me to light one on what would have been my due date.  This year we’ll be in Disneyworld on July 28th, but I may pack a candle in my suitcase to light on that day as my own way of acknowledging the day.